A Love That Never Stops Loving
Blogging is one of the most therapeutic things for me. It gives me a chance to put my feelings and thoughts out into the world without being embarrassed or ashamed. It lets me be vulnerable yet hidden at the same time.
That's probably why every time I write it's always something heavy and heartfelt.
And tonight it is no different.
Lately I have been having a hard time accepting life. Not in the way that I hate life.
I love life. I love the people in it and all that I have.
But you know that T-Swift song? The one about shaking that thing off?
"I go on too many dates.
But I can't make them stay."
Ha- That one. That's my life. I date a lot. Too much if you ask me.
But I haven't been able to find the right one. Yeah my mom tells me, "Carli it's just not your time." But all I think is that when things don't work out, it's because of my disability. I mean I know it cannot be easy dating someone in a wheelchair.
I know my life, and I know that I don't really need THAT much help. But the guys I date, don't. They see the wheelchair and they see the waddle, and they get scared.
And I don't blame them.
But I do at the same time.
I know myself (so profound). And I know that I am no different than the next eligible bachelorette. I am just as capable of loving and being loved as everyone else. So why can't I find love?
Maybe guys are just really scared I might run them over?
Or they'll wake up one day and haveran rolled away?
I am not sure what the issue is. But the past few weeks, I have felt so discouraged about dating and finding someone who saw me for me, not the wheels.
Someone who made me so comfortable that I never worried about my disability.
Someone who made me feel loved and normal.
Someone who didn't see helping me as a task or a service, but as an opportunity to show that they loved me.
I honestly had given up.
I still believed in love, just not for me.
Until tonight.
I was reminded by my babe of a bestie Alexi- what pure love actually is. She sent me a Mormon Message. It's kind of our thing. Whenever we watch a good one, we always send it to each other. They are just so powerful and impactful.
This one, had me in tears the second it started.
This is what love is.
Pure, True, Everlasting Love.
I don't know why I had given up on it. I see it everyday in my life. I see it when Mav comes out to my car and carries me into the Beta House, or when Nick goes straight to my trunk to get my wheelchair out, or when my Mom makes sure her car isn't in the garage and that I can park there. I have a million people in my life that love me, as Christ loves me.
I am grateful for the reminder that one day, I will find the man who will see me as me. He won't care that he has to get my wheelchair out of the car, or that everyone will stare and ask about him dating someone in a wheelchair. He won't care that I waddle-- He'll probably think it's cute. He won't be afraid of losing me, because he had the chance to love me.
I cannot express how full my heart is right now, knowing that there is a man out there that my loving and caring Heavenly Father is preparing for me. I am so aware that Heavenly Father has the most perfect plan, and that plan is the plan of Happiness and he will make sure that as long as I am doing what I need to do for Him that He will do all to make me happy.
So for everyone out there who has given up hope and has given up on love.
Don't.
It might take a while-- lots of dates, lots of boys and girls, lots of heart-break, but eventually all of that won't matter because you'll have learned so much. One day you'll find that person that will be by your side in all things.
For better or for worse.
In sickness and in health.
One of my most favorite quotes is,
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
-Andy Warhol
I am not saying that the next cute blonde girl in a wheelchair you see, you should fall in love with her. Although I am sure is really great and a lot of fun ;)
But I do ask you, to be less worried about the outside appearance of someone.
Fall in love with someones mind, their heart, their soul, their passions.
Fall in love with a being and not just a person.
xoxo,
c
That's probably why every time I write it's always something heavy and heartfelt.
And tonight it is no different.
Lately I have been having a hard time accepting life. Not in the way that I hate life.
I love life. I love the people in it and all that I have.
But you know that T-Swift song? The one about shaking that thing off?
"I go on too many dates.
But I can't make them stay."
Ha- That one. That's my life. I date a lot. Too much if you ask me.
But I haven't been able to find the right one. Yeah my mom tells me, "Carli it's just not your time." But all I think is that when things don't work out, it's because of my disability. I mean I know it cannot be easy dating someone in a wheelchair.
I know my life, and I know that I don't really need THAT much help. But the guys I date, don't. They see the wheelchair and they see the waddle, and they get scared.
And I don't blame them.
But I do at the same time.
I know myself (so profound). And I know that I am no different than the next eligible bachelorette. I am just as capable of loving and being loved as everyone else. So why can't I find love?
Maybe guys are just really scared I might run them over?
Or they'll wake up one day and have
I am not sure what the issue is. But the past few weeks, I have felt so discouraged about dating and finding someone who saw me for me, not the wheels.
Someone who made me so comfortable that I never worried about my disability.
Someone who made me feel loved and normal.
Someone who didn't see helping me as a task or a service, but as an opportunity to show that they loved me.
I honestly had given up.
I still believed in love, just not for me.
Until tonight.
I was reminded by my babe of a bestie Alexi- what pure love actually is. She sent me a Mormon Message. It's kind of our thing. Whenever we watch a good one, we always send it to each other. They are just so powerful and impactful.
This one, had me in tears the second it started.
This is what love is.
Pure, True, Everlasting Love.
I don't know why I had given up on it. I see it everyday in my life. I see it when Mav comes out to my car and carries me into the Beta House, or when Nick goes straight to my trunk to get my wheelchair out, or when my Mom makes sure her car isn't in the garage and that I can park there. I have a million people in my life that love me, as Christ loves me.
I am grateful for the reminder that one day, I will find the man who will see me as me. He won't care that he has to get my wheelchair out of the car, or that everyone will stare and ask about him dating someone in a wheelchair. He won't care that I waddle-- He'll probably think it's cute. He won't be afraid of losing me, because he had the chance to love me.
I cannot express how full my heart is right now, knowing that there is a man out there that my loving and caring Heavenly Father is preparing for me. I am so aware that Heavenly Father has the most perfect plan, and that plan is the plan of Happiness and he will make sure that as long as I am doing what I need to do for Him that He will do all to make me happy.
So for everyone out there who has given up hope and has given up on love.
Don't.
It might take a while-- lots of dates, lots of boys and girls, lots of heart-break, but eventually all of that won't matter because you'll have learned so much. One day you'll find that person that will be by your side in all things.
For better or for worse.
In sickness and in health.
One of my most favorite quotes is,
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
-Andy Warhol
I am not saying that the next cute blonde girl in a wheelchair you see, you should fall in love with her. Although I am sure is really great and a lot of fun ;)
But I do ask you, to be less worried about the outside appearance of someone.
Fall in love with someones mind, their heart, their soul, their passions.
Fall in love with a being and not just a person.
xoxo,
c
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